You can write incisive, biting dialogue, create relatable internal conflict, establish multiple character arcs that resolve in unique and interesting ways, but if your basic premise is uninspired or unmarketable, you’ve basically just wasted years of your life that you should’ve spent getting laid or getting therapy for the trauma that causes you to seek incessant, meaningless sex.

Before I get into the nuts and bolts, I just want to make one thing clear. Like money or Balkan strange, a good idea isn’t something that comes to you, it’s something you need to seek out.

A good book idea should resonate with your readers. Who hasn’t, much like Dorian Gray, wished they could stay hot forever and have some dumbass picture of themselves look more and more like shit? A good book idea should spark curiosity. For example, in the 19^th century, the unwashed masses, with no other forms of entertainment, would sit at home at night and wonder where all that wonderful lamp oil that was lighting their homes at night came from, and Melville came along to exploit that curiosity wonderfully. And a good idea should be something you are emotionally invested in. For example, I wrote Canucks Amuck after a road rage altercation I had with a man from Toronto.

Step One: Modify a Story That Already Exists

They say that all stories have already been written. They also say that, essentially, all stories boil down to three simple variations: a stranger comes to town, a hero goes on a journey or Debbie lets the stranger and all the town’s men have their fun now that the hero’s gone.

So, because all stories already exist, plagiarism isn’t really a thing you need to worry about. Your originality will come out in your voice and your diction and the weird things you have to say about women and the amount of slurs you can get away with.

Some examples from my own library include Four Under, which is just Deliverance except on a golf course instead of the Georgia wilderness and with mole people instead of hillbillies, and The Altar Boy, which is just the Handmaid’s Tale with the gender roles reversed and if you made it a comedic sex romp.

Step Two: Start With a Title

For 99 percent of your future audience, your book title is their first introduction to you. Well, unless you pull a gun on someone at a book signing.

Lots of writers will tell you to wait until the end of the writing process to come up with a book title. But sometimes that leaves you with stuff like this. A great title can get your creative juices flowing and boost your confidence. And it really is a key factor whether your reader buys or passes. Do you think anyone would read To Kill a Mockingbird if they knew it was just about the obvious fact that Southern people are really racist? Would they read The Sun Also Rises if they weren’t curious about what’s the other thing that rises?

Step Three: Rip From the Headlines

Stories happen all around us every day, usually to people who are more charismatic and have better cheekbones than us. Murder, escape, victory, disaster. The great thing about these stories is if it’s a long read, the research is basically already done for you. My novel, The They/Them Murders was based on a very long podcast by an underground journalist investigation about a trans man turned serial killer. And even the fact that the podcast turned out to be conspiracy theory nonsense and had maliciously endangered the lives of the entire trans community of Missouri didn’t diminish the narrative impact of my fictional story, which was fiction.

Lolita is a famous example of a story based on true events. Sally Horner was a twelve-year old girl who made the news when she was abducted and raped. But unlike Lolita, the public just slut shamed her because people have always been terrible. Which brings me to my next point.

You have to be careful about adapting real life. Stories are logical, but real life is mostly stupid and pointless. Husbands and wives kill each other instead of getting a divorce. Politicians try to start war for basically no reason. A TV show host who promised to quit drinking if he got confirmed as secretary of defense gets confirmed Secretary of Defense. Anyway, hopefully you can think of better shit than that.

Step Four: Ask Yourself “What If…”

Of course, the most literal interpretation of this is to write alternate histories. What if America hadn’t developed the nuclear bomb first? What if Da Vinci had been pope or whatever? What if the Germans in World War I had realized they could use those pointy hats to impale their enemies?

But you can look to the future too. Just take note of the things you use every day and think how they could be made better or worse. I got the idea for The Futility of Flesh by looking at my third wife and wondering what it would be like to erase her mind so she wouldn’t know about my first two.

These work well because as I’ve said, when we read fiction, what we’re really just asking of the author is to explain to us “What if real life weren’t so cruel and worthless?”