A writing routine is a lot like a liver: You might not think you need one, but when you try getting by without it, things don’t go well.

In this article, I’ll share my writing routine with you. It’s one I’ve amalgamated and synthesized over the years from a number of great writers, from Ernest Hemmingway to John Updike to Toni Morrison to Muammar Gadaffi.

But consider this my forewarning: This writing routine is not for the faint of heart. Like any good writing routine, it requires focus, determination, some light exercise and a place to live. I know that’s not something everybody watching this video has. Now, without further ado, let’s roll up our sleeves, put on our thinking caps and close all our porn tabs to explore writing routines on this edition of Stories’ Matter.

Step 1 – Wake up early and get hydrated

Hydration could be a lot of things. In my early years, a fifth of Jack or a nice Irish car bomb was the pick me up I needed in the early morning to get my day going. For some of you, you might need something lighter, like a Bud Light or a Zima. I’ve slowed down in my old age, so I find that all I need is a nice large, cool glass of water with a microdose of LSD.

Early is also a subjective term, but I’ll share this wisdom that my former mentor and the owner to the rights of my first 120 books Tabitha Cartwright told me: “A good writer rises at dawn. A great writer gets their shit together before dawn so they can…

Step 2 – Start writing at first light

Now if you live beyond or near the Arctic circle this advice might not apply to you. But for most of you, I would highly recommend getting words down immediately at sunrise. I find it’s a time of day when I’m most at peace, mentally, perhaps because, statistically speaking, that’s the least likely time to be murdered.

Step 3 – Don’t be nervous

Despite the fact that I made a whole video about it, I don’t believe in writer’s block. As long as you relax and give yourself enough time to work, the words will come. A writer’s job is never to reach perfection. To calm yourself, there are many things you can do. Put on some relaxing music or the sounds of the desert. Write in a massage chair. Put another microdose of LSD into your water. Crush up some pills and snort those. Make writing your happy place.

Step 4 – Take a break. Read something besides your own writing

After a solid five hours of writing, you’ll need a nice break. The coffee or the pills will have worn off and you’ll start second guessing your instincts. Rest those eyes by reading something else. If doesn’t have to be literary. Read the news. Read a friend’s blog. Read that book about how to count cards that you’ve been putting off.

Step 5 – Go on a walk for inspiration

As I said, you’ll need to have some mobility for this routine. People with crutches and wheelchairs should manage fine, so long as you still can move your upper body.

Anyway, a nice half hour outside is a great way to clear your head and find inspiration for your writing. I usually only have to go a few paces out of my apartment before I see a knife fight or a homeless person succumbing to a drug overdose.

Step 6 – Jack off, take a midday nap, and then jack off again

A writer needs to be focused, honest and committed to the story. Post-nut clarity is a great way to ensure this, and it’s not limited to male writers. Whenever I meet young female fans who want to be writers, I encourage them to jack themselves off as much as possible.

Step 7 – Edit what you wrote in the morning. Delete it all if you have to

Now that you’ve gotten some exercise, some sleep and shed your psyche of all impure urges and weird thoughts about that coworker who isn’t really that hot but you can’t stop thinking about her for some reason, I don’t know, maybe it’s her weird fixation with hunting knives… now you can reassess this morning’s work.

More often than not, you’ll find that none of it is usable. It will be clunky and meandering and overwritten. After all, you started writing at dawn and probably were severely sleep-deprived. But your job is to pull the gems out of the ore, as it were. Hey, if the police can use sleep deprivation to get false confessions, maybe you can use it to get some excellent prose.

Step 8 – Do your other job you need to do in order to live

After editing for about two hours, it will be time to go to your other job that actually puts food on the table. Nursing, teaching, and any other job you don’t really have to pay attention at will be best as you’ll need to conserve your mental energy.

Step 9 – Don’t forget to take care of your kids, maintain many good friendships, be involved in lots of important causes, email your Congressperson, have lots of sex (and, if possible, do it with multiple partners as this will make your writing more interesting), eat, pay attention to your local sports teams, keep up with all the hit movies and TV shows, and invest your money wisely.