Amazon: a name synonymous with terrifying insects, gigantic women who want to brutalize you sexually and a dystopian megacorporation that forces workers to piss in bottles. And like all of those things, the Amazon marketplace can be, for a writer, a harrowing experience that makes your testicles retract into your own body.

KDP, or Kindle Double Penetration for short, is the online platform where most unqualified writers submit their unedited and poorly thought-out screeds about everything from geriatric homicide to marine safety to wholesome family fun. But most writers post a book on KDP and stop there, going back to their normal life with their beautiful spouse and children, as if that was worth anything. They don’t realize that with enough time and money and luck and time and experience and money and a little bit of luck, you can make the platform bring in some real cash. We’ll explore how to turn this Bezos brainchild from an exploiter into an exploitee on this edition of Stories’ Matter.  

To succeed in the Amazon marketplace, you have to learn the ins and outs of the algorithm, which decides how often and in what context prospective buyers see your book. Think of it like catfishing a lonely widow whose husband died in a factory fire, only you’re relying on a stylish book cover, positive reviews and an enticing product description, as opposed to sharp cheekbones, compliments and the assurance of a vast knowledge of OSHA guidelines.

Let’s breakdown ways to make the algorithm work for us.

Step 1: Use Amazon Ads

I’m not going to give the technical details on how to create an ad campaign on KDP. There are dozens of videos showing you how to do that on YouTube. What I will tell you is this: The first big mistake writers make is not devoting at least 10 grand to their marketing campaign. In a future installment, I’ll show you ways to crowdsource and manipulate your way into ponying up this kind of cash. But for the purposes of this video, I’m going to assume you have an extra 100 Benjamins waiting to be put to work.

You’ve got to be wise with how you advertise, though. Amazon Ads, for example, don’t let you use words like “fuck,” or “damn,” or “cum-splattered twink.” And you have to make sure the ads are being shown to the right people. Ads are mainly based off of keywords you select which is why…

Step 2: Keywords Are Everything

I want you to think of the kind of person who buys your book. What else do they read? What are their interests? What do they look like? Now for me, for most of my career, I knew that person to a tee. He liked westerns and thrillers, and was big into the fiction of L’Amour, Chandler and Elmore Leonard. He was a straight male, divorced and living in a one-bedroom apartment in the suburbs of Indianapolis, Indiana. He was also depressed, considered remembering to shave a good day and never wore a seatbelt because, well, if he didn’t have the courage to end it all, he was at least going to give fate a stacked deck.

Now, with this reader clearly in mind, think of the terms they would use when searching for a book. Obviously, you want genre terms like “thriller” and “action,” but also the book description should include phrases like “child custody” or “homemade SSRI recipes.”

Besides the book description, Amazon also lets you choose seven keywords to select for your book. For this it’s recommended you do at least one for setting, for example, late 500s Spain, one for character types, maybe “sex positive farm girl” and plot theme, in this case “live love laugh.”

Step 3: Select Your Categories Carefully

This is a simple one, but it’s definitely one you can’t overlook. By default, you only get to place your book into two categories. This can be tough if you’re like me and write a lot of books that could be suspense, thrillers, science fiction, fantasy, western, comedy, drama, coming-of-age, queer, steampunk, erotic horror novels that also have a ton of great business advice. You actually can personally contact Amazon to get six more categories because that’s a normal and not stupid setup that totally makes sense.

Still, you have to ask yourself: Which genre’s normal readers will like my book best? It might take some tweaking. For example, my courtroom drama Hung Jury didn’t sell at all until I moved it to the queer category and redid the cover.

Step 4: Bring Your Own Audience Along

When you launch a book on KDP, you should already have a built-in audience that will be ready to buy it. Initial traffic from your biggest devotees will make your book appear in more searches. Contact fans any way you can. Fake social media stories about health scares will build sympathy and boost sales.

If you don’t already have an audience, create one. Read to a local high school. Tell them you’re a local author. Worried about a background check? Just find one that’s severely underfunded. The teachers at these schools are underpaid and stressed out enough that they won’t really care, and even if these kids spend most of there time doing whatever it is kids do these days – like make memes about Israeli genocide or complain about how far away the abortion clinic is — if you put enough cursing in your book, it might just rekindle their love for literature and get you some new followers.

Step 5: Take Advantage of Amazon Giveaways

It’s never easy to give away something for free. That’s why I don’t give money to charity after natural disasters and why I use special tax loopholes to write off my child support payments.

And normally people are skeptical of free things. But books are a little different. I mean, look at libraries… and do so quickly before Project 2025 turns the entire country into the Handmaid’s Tale and closes all of them.

A free book giveaway can be great, especially for authors who write series. This is a trick that timeshare salespeople and drug dealers have used to great effect for years. Once you get them hooked, they’ll pay whatever just to know the ending. So long as you don’t George RR Martin the whole thing up, you’ll have a new fan for life.

Here are five more simple steps to boosting your book sales on KDP.

Step 6: Fake Celebrity Endorsements and Hire Look Alikes to Take Photos Holding a Copy of Your Book

Step 7: Be a Writer Who’s Won a Bunch of Awards

Step 8: Get Thousands of Reviews Somehow

Step 9: With Few Exceptions, Your Profile Photo on Your Author Page Shouldn’t Show you Brandishing a Weapon

Step 10: Write a Book That People Like