Without further or any ado, let’s get to the mailbag.

Ted B. from Burlington, Vermont writes:

John, I’m a young novelist and I’m currently in talks with a publisher about getting my first book released. But unfortunately, all the weeks I’ve spent writing my book, sitting in front of my computer, locked up in my home office, has led to a pretty bad porn addiction. How do you think I can get rid of that?

Great question, Ted. I’m of the opinion that anything can be addicting: alcohol, Chinese food, the terror you inspire in your employees who know you could fire them at any instant because you work in a state with “at-will” employment.  

Addiction really isn’t about the substance, but is rather indicative of deeper personal issues and traumas. Unfortunately, that stuff is difficult and expensive to deal with, so instead I suggest finding other, healthier things to think about when masturbating. Connect it to your writing. Masturbate every time you come up with a great plot twist. Masturbate for every sharp line of dialogue. Masturbate every time you think of a great word without having to use a thesaurus.

Aileen W. from Rochester, Michigan writes:

John, I’m a somewhat successful writer who has self-published a few novels and writes for different literary magazines. But I find that sitting all day writing has caused many painful cysts to develop on my thighs, buttocks and genitals. How do you deal with this problem?

Thanks for that question, Aileen. First of all, lubrication is essential. If I know I’m in for a writing session that’s going to last for more than two hours, I slather my nether regions in a silicone-based lube and then put on some loose fitting silk pajama shorts that allow my skin to breathe. A copious amount of snacking can lead your humors out of balance as well. An espresso followed by a shot of olive oil should suppress your appetite.

Ed G. from La Crosse, Wisconsin writes:

John, I recently wrote a story about a man who cheats on his wife because she got really fat. In the end of the story, he realizes his mistake and decides cheating on her was the wrong thing to do. Anyway, I showed my wife this story because I wanted her opinion, but she thought it was autobiographical just because I named the characters after myself and her. And now our relationship is falling apart. What should I do?

Wonderful question, Ed. It’s one of the unfortunate realities of being a writer that it will destroy four or five of your relationships, especially if your partner is heavily involved in the writing process. As I said in this video, if you really need a beta reader, I suggest contacting inmates at your local prison.

If you really want to save the relationship, lying is probably your best option. You could say it was actually written by a friend from work who wanted feedback from a female perspective. I assume you aren’t actually cheating, but if you are, make sure you lie about that as well. And make sure to make yourself feel like the victim.

Jeffrey D. from Milwaukee, Wisconsin writes:

John, I recently signed a deal with an indie publisher. I was understandably overjoyed at having my work published, but the company said they don’t want my portrait on the sleeves of any of my books. They said it was to save on printing costs, but they also stare at their feet every time they say that. Am I being paranoid? Or is something else going on here?

As a member of the good-looking person’s club, I can’t say I relate. But as a publisher who’s been on the other side of this situation, I will say it may not be because you’re “fuck ugly,” so to speak. We had one author at D&E Publishing who we wouldn’t put on our book sleeves because he had profane and possibly racist facial tattoos. And we had another writer named Shinichi Sayama who turned out to be a white lady and we didn’t want to disappoint readers expecting a Japanese person.  

Belle G. from La Porte, Indiana:

John, you’ve spoken a lot about the experience of being a young and hungry writer. I’m at the point in my career where it’s tough to make ends meet, even with a girlfriend who works full time and pays for all the rent, utilities and groceries. Anyway, I’m wondering, if I add a lot of product placement, will it earn me some extra cash? Should I set the story in a Subway?

Of course you should set your story in a Subway restaurant. Subway is a great location for generating conflict, just like it’s a great place to get a tasty, affordable sandwich meal, like the Sweet Onion Teriyaki Chicken combo for the low, low price of 6.99. With over 20,000 convenient locations in the United States, it’s the type of setting that would be believable and easy to relate to. With sandwich of the day deals Monday through Sunday, there’s never a dull moment at Subway. There’s a New Way to Subway.

Elizabeth B. from Hungary writes:

John, I’m a feminist writer who loves the way your absurdly misogynist fiction is such an obvious dismantling of the patriarchy. Recently, I met a guy who got me an interview with a top literary agency. Things seem to be going great, and I’ve had great feedback regarding my manuscripts. Very close to a final deal. But this guy’s been pretty tight-lipped about his connections in the publishing industry. And a few days ago he came to my front door with a blood-covered gun and told me to hide it for him. What do you think I should do?

Well, first of all, congratulations. There’s nothing more exciting than an up-and-coming author getting her first deal.

Secondly, there’s nothing to worry about. I’d just make sure you do the following things: first, check to see if there are any serial numbers on the gun. Make to file those right off. Keep it in the safest place you know. For me, that’s either my gun safe or the ankle holster I keep with me at all times. After any handling, always wipe clear the fingerprints. I hope that helps.

David B. from New York City writes:

John, I find that writing all day has made it hard for me to find the energy to provide sexual pleasure to my partner. We’ve tried to get her to achieve orgasm by just shouting dirty insults while I’m at my writing desk, but I find it distracts me from my edits anyway and it’s only really worked once or twice to get Shandra off. How do you manage to balance your writing workload with your literal loads?

Ah, yes the eternal struggle: John, how do I balance writing with my career? How do I balance writing with remembering my children’s names? How do I balance writing and my running this Fortune 500 company?

First off, your original solution shows that you and your partner care for each other. I love that you’re both willing to experiment. But don’t forget that writing can be an inherently sexual experience. See if your love making can find its way into the writing process. For example, write an erotic scene based off your relationship that your partner can get off to. If you’re more scientifically-inclined, maybe you can link up the rhythms of your typing with some sort of vibration device. Be creative. The literary world is your slut shed.

Peter S. from Yorkshire, England writes:

John, I’m a professional writer in a small town who decided to earn some extra cash by teaching creative writing classes for adults at the learning annex. You talk about your teaching experience a lot on the channel. One of my biggest problems is that, after a recent lesson where we did a critique of a student’s war memoir, that student got upset. In the two weeks since, I’ve had several dead animals shoved into my mailbox and generally have the feeling that I’m being followed. How would you handle this situation?

Well, whatever you do, don’t send a bunch of state troopers on a hunt for him through a Pacific Northwest forest.

In all seriousness, I find in these cases the best course of action is to stalk them back. Now this person will probably be proficient with arms, so your only hope is to bring enough firepower to overcome your skill deficit. If you’re stealthy enough, though, it won’t come to that. Consider using decoys if it’s in your budget. They can stay at home pretending to be you while you stalk the stalker who’s stalking the fake you. I hope that helps.