Whether you’re a nonfiction essayist, a novelist who’s trying to finish a manuscript under a deadline, or just a YouTuber trying to write a script for a six-hour video explaining why all the female characters in a Star War or Marvel movie are too woke, everyone wants to write faster.

As someone who’s written over 429 novels, you might assume that writing speed was never a problem for me. But it wasn’t always this way. Back when I was a young man, living on the streets of Phoenix, worried I’d have to sell my body for food, all I had was a desire to get published (and a knowledge of which street corners had the most reliable action after midnight.) Anyway, my first book took me over two years to write, and it was barely over 90 pages.

There were many things that were holding me back, but one thing I want to make clear is that it wasn’t writer’s block. I wrote almost every day, squeezing in quick sessions between hawking fake jewelry outside gas stations. I’ll cover many other tips in the video, but the key problem I had was that I was a perfectionist. I was just certain that my story about a down-on-his-luck graduate student who has to choose between finishing his degree and hunting down the serial killer who murdered his sister was going to launch me to instant critical acclaim. But I soon found out that, in the publishing industry, quantity always trumps quality. We’ll write until our fingers bleed on this edition of Stories’ Matter.

Okay, now if you are worried about your writing speed, it may be helpful to start by analyzing why you write slowly in the first place. The following is a list of things that might be slowing down your writing speed:

• Lack of an outline
• Not setting a goal, aside from proving that dad doesn’t know what he’s talking about
• Editing while you write
• Eating while you write
• Having a family
• Edging while you write
• A keyboard missing the letter “e”
• Sending veiled threats to haters on social media
• Using a computer that still runs on Windows XP
• Ghosts in the hotel in which you’re writing asking you to kill your family
• Wasting your time watching writing advice videos on YouTube
• And constantly worrying you’re a piece of shit who will accomplish nothing

Now, what’s a good writing speed? This depends on several things: how old you are, how fat your fingers are, your brain pan, et cetera. But most writers try to get at least 1,000 words a day, which should be easily accomplished in two hours. At that pace, it will only take you 80 days to write an average-sized novel. To put it in perspective, that amount of time is the equivalent of bingeing both seasons Milf Manor three times. Not such a big time commitment when you think about it that way.

Now, let’s look at some ways we can easily get 1000 words in under two hours.

Tip 1 – Reward Yourself For Hitting Certain Word Counts

Humans are, evolutionarily-speaking, rather simple creatures. Like a chimp that agrees to administer a shock to their chimp family member in exchange for a banana, humans are driven by selfish impulses.

It doesn’t have to be a big reward. Maybe a nice cup of coffee, maybe a dessert, maybe a quick episode of Milf Manor. For myself, I set a weekly goal. If I hit 10000 words for the week, I reward myself with a nice relaxing drive past my second wife’s house when I know her new husband isn’t there.

Tip 2 – Set Punishments for Distractions

A writer needs to know what fascist and authoritarian governments have known for a long time: negative reinforcement works.

Be strict about distractions. Turn off your internet while you write. Keep all of your favorite guns out of your writing space. But you have to also set consequences for getting distracted. What I do is have my assistant monitor my computer remotely while I write. If she catches me watching porn, she uses a burner to call the police and say there’s a violent pedophile living at my home address. I find that my fear of incarceration or at least an uncomfortable discussion with the cops keeps me in line while I write.

Tip 3 – Beat Your Keyboard Into Submission

This is a tip which, like many life lessons, I learned from Finding Forrester. Your fingers should be an extension of the confidence you have in your writing. Much like saying your own name repeatedly while having sex with someone, your brain will subconsciously think you’re doing a good job and make you perform better. I go through at least two or three typewriters while writing each one of my books.

Tip 4 – Use Focus Apps

If you don’t want to go so far as risking your incarceration, there are apps which can help with distractions. My favorite is a Russian one called Freedom Blocker. It locks your computer to stop you from looking at news articles while also emitting a type of white noise that is supposed to suppress all thought outside of the task at hand. It’s been scientifically tested on labor camp detainees and you’ll really notice a difference.

Tip 5 – Set a Marathon Day (Or Marathon Fortnight)

Sometimes just having a routine isn’t enough. Sometimes you need to make a big push. You can get 10 or 20 thousand words down so long as you can convince your wives you have a devastating illness that your kids haven’t been vaccinated for yet, and if you haven’t used the “my grandpa died” excuse twice already with your boss.

Tip 6 – Get Healthy

Speaking of death and illnesses, lots of writers forget how important your bodily health is to your mind. I wasn’t like this as a young man, but now I find that jogging helps me sleep better, reduces my real illnesses so I don’t miss writing days and I’m much less distracted by all the horrible trauma my father and the whore who raised me inflicted upon me. And think about it. Is it a coincidence that George RR Martin hasn’t finished A Song of Fire and Ice and that he looks like this?