One thing I love about this channel is the relationships it’s helped me make with fans. It’s clear so many of you have gone without strong male role model figures in your lives, and while YouTube made me sign a contract promising I wouldn’t try to have sex with any of you, I still makes me feel great to know I’m helping some of you achieve your dreams.

Let’s take a peek at the mailbag from some fans.  Paul B. writes:

John, my high school English teacher, Ms. Altice, has assigned us to read Lady Astor’s Flock for ninth grade language arts. I was surprised we aren’t reading a more famous author, but apparently you used to exchange letters with her in prison? Anyway, what literary devices and techniques do you use to highlight the theme of the novel? If you could answer in several paragraphs and cite page numbers, that would be great.

Oh wow, you know Ms. Altice. I’m surprised they still let her teach. You must live in somewhere like Florida or Oklahoma where they’ve fired all the teachers who won’t put the ten commandments in their classrooms. Yeah, as fans of the channel will know, I use prisons to find beta readers for my books. And women’s prisons are even better because they really help you see your book from a different perspective.

Unfortunately, I don’t have time to give you several paragraphs, but a big theme I tried to get at was the societal expectations we place on young women. One way I hinted at that was all the graphic spanking scenes where the male chancellor spanks the girls whenever they act out of line. The curve of the ass represents a divergence from the norm and the act of trying to spank it flat symbolizes the desire for society to force girls to follow the straight and narrow.

Alex L. writes:

John, I’m a young writer who recently decided to write a book about a small town where most men lose their jobs because immigrants come and take all of them. But in my research, I learned that immigrants are people, too. They have feelings like we do and families and some of them are even writers. The process of writing the book really changed my outlook on life so I thought I’d ask, which book changed you the most as a person?

That would definitely have to be Twilight. Not so much because of the writing process. In fact, I wrote the whole thing in about 19 days and that was back when I used to mash up amphetamines into my morning scotch, so I hardly remember why I made the choices I made. But the book, which came out in 2010 was, for some reason, easily the highest-selling book of my career up til then. After that came out, I was finally able to buy a car that somebody hadn’t died in. I had enough money to go to Disney World, which is where I met my second and favorite wife. And both she and the windfall both led me to creating D&E Publishing several years later. And I owe it all to a story about guy who has stop a terrorist attack between 7:20 and 8:10 pm in September.

Ian S. writes:

John, I’m not a picky reader, which probably explains why I’m such a big fan of yours. I mean, it seems like you’ve written in just about every genre. I mean, you even released a clean version of the gay erotica you released under your J.D. Salinger alias. But are there any genres you’d like to write in, and if so, why?

I’ve always wanted to write a religious text, but I feel like being a messiah is probably more work than it’s worth. So I guess I’d go with literary fiction. It’d be nice to be remembered as someone who wrote books for smart people.

Jorge V. writes:

John, I’ve only read one of your books because this guy I really wanted to sleep with was a huge fan of yours. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out. It turned out he was violating his parole to cross state lines to visit me. Anyway, I liked Nap Time, but to be honest, I’m really more of TV or movie person. If you could choose any of your books to be adapted to the big screen, which would you choose and why?

Well, There’s No Place Reich Home would probably be an obvious pick, because World War II is such a compelling visual milieu  and Hitler always commands the screen no matter who plays him. But I’m gonna surprise long-time fans and choose Ronald: Portrait of a Mother Lover. Sure, we might have to tone down some of the raw dogging scenes, but this was a book that just played out like a movie in my head. Getting someone like Michael Mann or Christopher Nolan to shoot the bank heist scene where Ronald’s trying to get money to pay for his mom’s breast enhancement surgery… I can absolutely see audiences going gangbusters.

Francisco F: writes:

John, like you, I’ve been a writer for a few decades. Like you, I’ll also avoid my loved ones if I’m really on a roll.  I’m big on both the first and second amendments, and like you, I’m not so sure if we really need the eighth amendment. Unfortunately, unlike you, I’ve only sold a handful of my books in my lifetime. It’s a long story, but I mostly blame the Democrats. Anyway, my wife thinks I should quit, but I tell her I mostly do it for myself. Would you say you ultimately write for yourself or for other people?

Oh, other people definitely. I think, like anything in life, you should only write out of a desire to change other people. If you want to do something for yourself, go hire a prostitute or buy a Twix McFlurry or do both. But writers are measured solely by the impact they’ve had on society. Studies have shown that hate crimes against pigmy street performers went down nearly three percent in the year following the release of my novel, Slight of Hand. So I’d stop thinking about yourself so much and start thinking about more important people, like your readers.

Imelda M. writes:

John, I’m a sex-positive, busty 23-year-old graduate student and yoga instructor from one of those countries in Europe where Christianity isn’t really practiced any more. I find writers very attractive, even older ones who really should stop trying to hide that they’re balding. I also get turned on by men who outsmarted their business partners. So my question is, what’s your new home address?

Okay, while I’m pretty sure this is a catfishing scam meant to provide my ex-agent my current address so he can get court papers delivered to my door, the possibility this could be for real is too tempting. Meet me at these coordinates at this date if you are serious.

Adolf H. writes:

John, I just got my first advance ever as a writer. I’m thinking of taking a trip to Paris, for literary inspiration and because this girl I met in college said I got her pregnant and she wants me to attend her son’s high school graduation. What do you think? What should an author spend his first advance on?

Great question. I think you should splurge a little. I’d like to say what I spent mine on, but first of all it was the early 2000s, so it wasn’t much to brag about, and second, I promised YouTube I wouldn’t put that type of content in my videos anymore.

Anyway, don’t spend it on your daily expenses like groceries or rent or a case of twelve bottles of bacon vodka. This was a big accomplishment. Most writers toil for decades and watch hundreds of YouTube writing advice videos and still just fail and die and never accomplish anything. Buy something to shove it all in their fucking faces.