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Book Advances, Adaptations and Trying Out New Genres (Your Writing Questions Answered)

Daniel MadisonLeave a comment

One thing I love about this channel is the relationships it’s helped me make with fans. It’s clear so many of you have gone without strong male role model figures in your lives, and while YouTube made me sign a contract promising I wouldn’t try to have sex with any of you, I still makes me feel great to know I’m helping some of you achieve your dreams.

Let’s take a peek at the mailbag from some fans.  Paul B. writes:

John, my high school English teacher, Ms. Altice, has assigned us to read Lady Astor’s Flock for ninth grade language arts. I was surprised we aren’t reading a more famous author, but apparently you used to exchange letters with her in prison? Anyway, what literary devices and techniques do you use to highlight the theme of the novel? If you could answer in several paragraphs and cite page numbers, that would be great.

Oh wow, you know Ms. Altice. I’m surprised they still let her teach. You must live in somewhere like Florida or Oklahoma where they’ve fired all the teachers who won’t put the ten commandments in their classrooms. Yeah, as fans of the channel will know, I use prisons to find beta readers for my books. And women’s prisons are even better because they really help you see your book from a different perspective.

Unfortunately, I don’t have time to give you several paragraphs, but a big theme I tried to get at was the societal expectations we place on young women. One way I hinted at that was all the graphic spanking scenes where the male chancellor spanks the girls whenever they act out of line. The curve of the ass represents a divergence from the norm and the act of trying to spank it flat symbolizes the desire for society to force girls to follow the straight and narrow.

Alex L. writes:

John, I’m a young writer who recently decided to write a book about a small town where most men lose their jobs because immigrants come and take all of them. But in my research, I learned that immigrants are people, too. They have feelings like we do and families and some of them are even writers. The process of writing the book really changed my outlook on life so I thought I’d ask, which book changed you the most as a person?

That would definitely have to be Twilight. Not so much because of the writing process. In fact, I wrote the whole thing in about 19 days and that was back when I used to mash up amphetamines into my morning scotch, so I hardly remember why I made the choices I made. But the book, which came out in 2010 was, for some reason, easily the highest-selling book of my career up til then. After that came out, I was finally able to buy a car that somebody hadn’t died in. I had enough money to go to Disney World, which is where I met my second and favorite wife. And both she and the windfall both led me to creating D&E Publishing several years later. And I owe it all to a story about guy who has stop a terrorist attack between 7:20 and 8:10 pm in September.

Ian S. writes:

John, I’m not a picky reader, which probably explains why I’m such a big fan of yours. I mean, it seems like you’ve written in just about every genre. I mean, you even released a clean version of the gay erotica you released under your J.D. Salinger alias. But are there any genres you’d like to write in, and if so, why?

I’ve always wanted to write a religious text, but I feel like being a messiah is probably more work than it’s worth. So I guess I’d go with literary fiction. It’d be nice to be remembered as someone who wrote books for smart people.

Jorge V. writes:

John, I’ve only read one of your books because this guy I really wanted to sleep with was a huge fan of yours. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out. It turned out he was violating his parole to cross state lines to visit me. Anyway, I liked Nap Time, but to be honest, I’m really more of TV or movie person. If you could choose any of your books to be adapted to the big screen, which would you choose and why?

Well, There’s No Place Reich Home would probably be an obvious pick, because World War II is such a compelling visual milieu  and Hitler always commands the screen no matter who plays him. But I’m gonna surprise long-time fans and choose Ronald: Portrait of a Mother Lover. Sure, we might have to tone down some of the raw dogging scenes, but this was a book that just played out like a movie in my head. Getting someone like Michael Mann or Christopher Nolan to shoot the bank heist scene where Ronald’s trying to get money to pay for his mom’s breast enhancement surgery… I can absolutely see audiences going gangbusters.

Francisco F: writes:

John, like you, I’ve been a writer for a few decades. Like you, I’ll also avoid my loved ones if I’m really on a roll.  I’m big on both the first and second amendments, and like you, I’m not so sure if we really need the eighth amendment. Unfortunately, unlike you, I’ve only sold a handful of my books in my lifetime. It’s a long story, but I mostly blame the Democrats. Anyway, my wife thinks I should quit, but I tell her I mostly do it for myself. Would you say you ultimately write for yourself or for other people?

Oh, other people definitely. I think, like anything in life, you should only write out of a desire to change other people. If you want to do something for yourself, go hire a prostitute or buy a Twix McFlurry or do both. But writers are measured solely by the impact they’ve had on society. Studies have shown that hate crimes against pigmy street performers went down nearly three percent in the year following the release of my novel, Slight of Hand. So I’d stop thinking about yourself so much and start thinking about more important people, like your readers.

Imelda M. writes:

John, I’m a sex-positive, busty 23-year-old graduate student and yoga instructor from one of those countries in Europe where Christianity isn’t really practiced any more. I find writers very attractive, even older ones who really should stop trying to hide that they’re balding. I also get turned on by men who outsmarted their business partners. So my question is, what’s your new home address?

Okay, while I’m pretty sure this is a catfishing scam meant to provide my ex-agent my current address so he can get court papers delivered to my door, the possibility this could be for real is too tempting. Meet me at these coordinates at this date if you are serious.

Adolf H. writes:

John, I just got my first advance ever as a writer. I’m thinking of taking a trip to Paris, for literary inspiration and because this girl I met in college said I got her pregnant and she wants me to attend her son’s high school graduation. What do you think? What should an author spend his first advance on?

Great question. I think you should splurge a little. I’d like to say what I spent mine on, but first of all it was the early 2000s, so it wasn’t much to brag about, and second, I promised YouTube I wouldn’t put that type of content in my videos anymore.

Anyway, don’t spend it on your daily expenses like groceries or rent or a case of twelve bottles of bacon vodka. This was a big accomplishment. Most writers toil for decades and watch hundreds of YouTube writing advice videos and still just fail and die and never accomplish anything. Buy something to shove it all in their fucking faces.

Sick of Traditional Publishers? Start Your Own Publishing House

Daniel MadisonLeave a comment

If you’ve ever seen someone drive down the street with a beautiful luxury car, or seen an unattractive person arm-in-arm with a woman who’s obviously a high-class prostitute, you’ve probably daydreamed about starting your own business. Lots of authors like the idea of being their own boss. After all, when you’re an author, you get to boss your characters around. You force them into uncomfortable situations, commit assaults against them, even murder them. It’s a rush and it can translate well to managing a workforce.

Of course, starting a company is an even bigger endeavor than writing a book. You have to consider things you may not have considered before, things like paying taxes or employees stealing from you because you didn’t get them a Christmas gift. So if you’re not sure this is the article for you, still read it to the end to boost our profile, but feel free to ignore it if you meet one of the following criteria:

  1. You only want to publish one book in your lifetime just to prove to your bitch ex-spouse that you aren’t a complete failure.
  2. You don’t like the idea of publishing the work of an author who’s clearly better than you.
  3. You think everyone should be paid a fair wage, regardless of their work ethic or personal attitude toward you and the way you dress.

Before we start, a quick legal disclaimer: this advice is not coming from a legal professional, and any potential business ventures should abide by local laws and fire safety codes. The advice expressed in this video is not legally binding and may contain fictitious elements that belong to John Lazarus and not D&E Publishing, LLC. By listening to this disclaimer, you are absolving D&E Publishing, LLC of any wrongdoing or civil liability relating to workplace safety, including mixing and storage of dangerous chemicals, building evacuation preparedness and electrocution.

Now, if you’re intrigued by the prospect of a corner office and exotic strange, but still aren’t sure if starting a publishing company is right for you, I’m going to cover a few benefits and drawbacks.

Benefit 1: Reducing Legal Liabilities

The first question any author should ask themselves before they write a book is “Can anybody sue me if I write this?” Fiction writers are generally well protected, though going through someone’s trash to do character research can be a legal gray area depending on where in the process you intercept the garbage.

However, for nonfiction writers, especially in health-related fields, your personal liability becomes much greater. To give an example, I once wrote a weight-loss guide, and well, long story short, losing more than two liters of blood sometimes results in death. While jury nullification saved me in that instance, it’s better to avoid this entirely by starting an LLC. In this case, a lawsuit against your published materials can only go after the assets of the company and not you personally. So even if you get sued, you can usually offset the loss by taking snacks out of the breakroom or making one unpaid intern do all your accounting.

Benefit 2: Increasing Your Sense of Legitimacy

All authors go through an awkward infancy where they feel like a fraud. Most of you probably told a potential sex partner at a party that you’re an author, but once you clarified that you’re self-published, that person either walked away, laughed in your face or banged your slightly more attractive best friend. Having your own publishing company completely flips that dynamic. Pretty soon, half of the people at any party you attend will at least offer you third base if you promise to publish their terrible book of poetry.

Benefit 3: Collaborations and Licensing

But beyond sexual favors, you can also collaborate with legitimately great authors. And the legal powers of your company will prevent that person from stealing your work, taking all of the credit and riding that success to the New York Times bestseller list while you’re stuck making ends meet at Panera bread in Columbus, Ohio.

Also, now that you’ve got your own company, you can print, sell and profit from any book in the public domain. And while I may have overestimated the general public’s demand for James Fenimore Cooper, you could potentially make money without doing anything at all.

Drawbacks of Creating Your Own Publishing Company

Drawback 1: Startup Costs and Expenses

When I first started D&E Publishing in 2011, it was a great time to be a small business owner. Because of the housing crash, property was cheap. But the costs can sneak up on you. Things like fire extinguishers, printing costs for building maps that reveal evacuation routes, the dozens of extension cords you’ll need to plug all of your computers into the same outlet… that stuff adds up.

Drawback 2: Managing Employee Conflicts

Most businesses ensure worker compliance through sheer apathy. Employees having absolutely no investment in the success of their company means people put in the bare minimum, but in general they don’t actively try to sabotage the company. A publishing company is a different story.

You’ll be working with lots of creative types in your company: authors, editors, graphic artists, advertisers. These types of people strongly value their labor, which is generally bad for business. At the start, it seemed D&E Publishing could hardly go a month without an artist punching a prospective author in the mouth for rejecting their cover design. I even had to stop having office birthday parties because people kept being poisoned. It took me several years to learn that the anarchy that such an environment breeds requires the boss to rule with an iron fist and closely monitor employee conversations to ensure peace and harmony. But this kind of business authoritarianism is not for everyone.

Drawback 3: Workplace Accidents Are More Common Than You Might Think

Fans of the channel will know that D&E Publishing’s first office building went up in flames in 2021 due to siphoning electricity from a nearby building. Thankfully, the courts decided that no one could possibly be that negligent and it was clear that my former business partner did it as an elaborate way to commit suicide so fire insurance covered the loss.

But even if you are protected by the law, workplace accidents generally aren’t great for morale or productivity. I had three editors need to go on leave because of uneven stairs and two others need maternity leave because of a faulty toilet seat. In a literary landscape where book trends come and go in the snap of a finger, you can’t fall behind.

Bad Reviews, Writer Feedback and Basing Characters off Real People: I Answer Reader Questions About Being a Writer

Daniel MadisonLeave a comment

Asa A. writes:

John, My son is an aspiring writer. But whenever I try to tell him I wish he’d branch out from writing stories about small animals being tortured, he gets very upset. As a writer, what kind of feedback do you value most from readers?

Feedback can be a tough thing. I became a writer for a few reasons, but mostly so others would like me and pay attention to me and constantly tell me how awesome I am. But of course, you can’t expect all people to respond to your work that way. Some people are just idiots who don’t understand good writing, and some are people who do understand good writing, but just want to insult you because they think it’s funny or they want to put you in a negative light to promote their own writing.

In any case, the feedback I like is when people tell me my work turned their life around. As a good friend once told me, saving a life is as exhilarating as taking it away.

James D. writes:

John, my marriage is falling apart and it’s largely your fault. My wife inexplicably loves your books but I don’t see the appeal. I feel like I couldn’t really love someone who likes what you do. So my question is, What’s your favorite book you’ve written? If I read that and liked it, it might just save this marriage.

That’s a tough choice. While Spilled Milk was the first book I published on an actual label, and Twilight was, for some reason, my financial breakthrough, I’d have to say Zodiac was the book I was most proud of. For those who haven’t read it, the novel is about the Zodiac killer, a fictional serial killer who plans to kill twelve different people over a twelve-year period, using each animal of the zodiac. I thought it was a clever concept and I really had to get creative and push myself as a writer to think of ways a rat, a rabbit and a rooster could be used to kill someone.

Emily W. writes:

John, my coworkers were upset that I wrote a fictional short story for an online magazine that used their real names and addresses. Should I not have done this? Do you base your characters on real people?

– Oh, all the time. Pretty much any villain I write is at least somewhat loosely based on my father or the prostitute who helped raise me. If there are women in my life who, you know, I’d like to have sex with but can’t because they’re married or lesbians or certain laws prohibit me from doing so, I find it helps to live out that fantasy in my writing.

Eva E. writes:

John, writing for me is just a hobby at the moment. I have a great job designing algorithms for healthcare companies that decide which patients should live and which should die. But part of me wants to make writing a full-time job. I worry about deadlines, though. How do you deal with the pressure of meeting deadlines?

This really was never an issue when I was a young writer. I was so motivated and on so many productivity-enhancing amphetamines that I wrote faster than my editors could keep up. But in my middle age, I have slowed down a bit.

There are some small hacks you can use. You can tell your publisher you misread the date, you can tell them your kid got sick, or you can puff out the middle section by copying and pasting excerpts from the Canterbury Tales. Editors usually only read the first and last pages of a manuscript, anyway.

Johnny S. writes:

John, do you ever consider the reader’s perspective when writing?

No.

Anri. O writes:

John, I’m a self-published author with a few books out and mostly good reviews. But one person keeps giving me the harshest reviews on social media. It’s either my step-dad, mad that I refused his sexual advances, or my boss, mad that I keep advancing on him sexually. Anyway, how do you deal with bad reviews?

An author can’t let bad reviews get to them. Unless you know the reviewer personally, then you absolutely can. My lawyer says I shouldn’t give you any advice about your specific situation, but I will share something that worked for me once.

I had this one reviewer who constantly review bombed all my books on all the online bookstores. But their big mistake was using the same username on all these platforms. After a little social engineering, I learned it was actually a person from my own publishing company upset that, because of a clerical error, they hadn’t been paid in five months. Talk about a “the call is coming from inside the house” moment. Now, I don’t care what you say about me personally or about my ability to lead people as a boss and make sure they receive at least minimum wage. But leave my works of art out of it, you know. We eventually agreed to have that worker be compensated for time unpaid plus an extra month’s salary if they promised to take their reviews down. So it all worked out in the end.

Angela W. writes:

John, I can’t stand the sound of your voice and I hate your videos, but I did end up reading your most recent book, Glossolalia and Other Stories, and I was surprised to find it witty, insightful, poetic and exactly the opposite of how you come off here. Anyway, what authors did you dislike at first but grew into?

Well, scifi writer John Scalzi was somebody I didn’t really like. Not because of his books, but because he threw me out of one of his book signings for trying to secretly endorse several books on the D&E label. But then years later, we were actually on the same panel at a book conference and we hit it off. Ended up going to a strip club later. Lovely guy.

Finally, we have Scarlit S. who writes:

John, I want to start writing, but my boyfriend says I’m too racist to be a writer. So my question is, what’s one thing you’d give up to become a better writer?

Well, first of all, lots of great writers are racist: Ayn Rand, Margaret Mitchell, HP Lovecraft. So even though I don’t agree with your views, don’t let that stop you.

But for me, this is an easy decision. I’d give up one of the children my first wife claims we had together before she ran off.