Getting published is a bit like having sex for the first time: you’ve spent years dreaming about it and after it finally happens, you know you did it wrong and are pretty sure you’re being laughed at.

I set up this channel to help young writers through the process of breaking their writing hymen, so to speak. I’ll answer some of your questions on this mailbag installment of Stories’ Matter.

Our first question comes from Xander from Pripyat, Ukraine. He writes:

Hey John. Your books are often filled with interesting facts and information. For example, when I read Bride of Prejudice, I learned that drowning in a bog was the leading cause of death for young women in the 18^th century. What is something surprising you learned when writing one of your books?

Great question, Xander. Because I tend to write one book a month, I can’t devote as much time to research as I’d like. But when I was writing The Ones Who Walked (my first book set in the Pleistocene) I learned that of all 100 billion humans to ever be born, almost 50 percent never made it to their first birthday.

Our next question comes from Valerie from Bhopal, India. She writes:

What up, John? I’m trying to get a start in writing, but all my friends and coworkers tell me I should focus on my true talent: being a cashier at Walmart.  Anyway, it would be nice to get some positive feedback. What’s the most inspiring feedback you’ve ever received from a reader?

Thanks for the question, Valerie. Well, actually the best feedback I’ve ever gotten from a fan was regarding my erotica written under my JD Salinger alias. But because this is a family channel, I can’t share the specifics about what she did with her mouth. Instead, I remember another young reviewer telling me that The House on Pain Avenue was “a worse experience than his cancer treatment.” That made me happy because that was exactly what I was going for.

The next question comes from Simon from Guadalajara, Mexico. He writes: 

Hi John. I’m a new writer who has written a few novels. But I find I’m running out of ideas. The amount of books you’ve written is astounding. If it weren’t true, I’d think you were just making it up to be funny. Anyway, where do you find inspiration? Do you ever get inspiration from dreams?

Great question, Simon. Actually, one of the side effects of a drug I use to quell my sexual urges prevents me from having dreams. I, however, find inspiration can come from anywhere: paying attention to the news, being well-versed in history, closely watching fights at the weddings you attend, reading your neighbor’s mail and so on.

Next, we have Grace from Hamlet, North Carolina. She asks:

Yo John. I’ve tried publishing a book. But I’ve gotten nothing but form rejections. And my beta readers keep asking if English is my second language, even though I was born in Jacksonville and went to community college for four years before dropping out. My question is, how do you handle criticism?

Excellent question, Grace. A lot of people assume creatives are just supposed to ignore criticism. But ask yourself: Do other types of workers just let themselves be openly criticized? Of course not. NBA players get hecklers thrown out of games. Cops will use any criticism as a chance to steal your phone and shoot your dog. And politicians will use criticism as fuel to stack the Supreme Court with right wing lunatics and liars to overthrow American democracy. So… be more like them.

This one comes from Nearl of Karachi, Pakistan. He writes:

G’day John. I’m just about to publish my first book, but my editor says the publisher wants me to remove a twenty-page scene depicting a horse circumcision. What’s your favorite scene you’ve had to edit out of a book?

Thanks for that one, Nearl. When I wrote Dawson, a young adult cozy murder mystery set in rural New England, I included a long scene where one character gives another a tour of the town in which it is set, including much of its true history. Unfortunately, my editor told me that town wanted nothing to do with me and would burn every single copy that entered city limits if I kept the scene.

And now we have Watley from Fukushima, Japan. He writes:

Howdy John. I have trouble getting erections and don’t even attempt to pleasure my wife sexually. She claims it’s because I spend seven to eight hours a day writing at my computer. So my question is, does your family also not support your career as a writer?

Thank you, Watley. This is a story I know all too well. Not the no erections part, obviously. But I think three ex-wives and at least seven children, four from whom I’m estranged, speaks for itself.  

Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Choose writing. Don’t try to convince yourself you can do both. Even if you remove all other distractions, and, for example, go to a remote hotel in the Rockies, you’ll just go crazy from the disruptions and try to murder them.

Next question comes from Darcelle from Gauley Bridge, West Virginia. She asks:

Greetings John. Do you have any suggestions to help me become a better writer?

Well, Darcelle, my suggestion would be to watch some of the fifty odd videos on this channel first. Maybe then you’ll at least learn not to ask stupid questions.

Finally, we have a question from Fat Mike from Benxi, China. He says:

Aloha John. As your agent and former next-door neighbor, I’d like to know: What book are you working on right now? I will remind you that you are contractually obligated to write three more books by the end of this year.

Thanks for that question, Fat Mike. There’s a few in the pipeline, but my next book is a century-spanning family drama set in the age of Westward Expansion, centered on two sisters, one who decides to become a nun the Aleutian Islands and the other who marries an abusive oil prospector. It’s called Family Feud.