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I Wrote 51 Books in One Year… Here’s What I Learned

Daniel MadisonLeave a comment

If there’s one mistake I’ve made in this series, it’s that I haven’t told you enough about myself. Any asshole can get on the internet and give you writing advice with zero credentials. Why should you trust me?

After all, I don’t show my face and I use a pseudonym and, if you listen closely, I frequently have the faint sounds of screaming in the background audio of my videos I can’t edit out. But the truth of the matter is, there’s a lot to be learned from my twenty-five years of experience as a writer, from both my successes and my failures.

In today’s video, we’ll take a deep dive into the most productive year of my career and I’ll share the things I learned about productivity, the elements of fiction and crippling drug addiction. And if nothing else, you’ll be able to identify the warning signs that someone is secretly poisoning you. Let’s ink up our pens and put on our writing gloves to prevent pussing blisters on this edition of Stories’ Matter.

~

Let me set the scene. The year is 2008. The global financial crisis had displaced thousands of hard-working investment bankers and hedge fund managers. America was well on its way to electing its first half-Kenyan president. And Hawthorn had shocked the world and won the AFL grand final.

This was about one decade into my career. As fans of the channel will know, the very beginning of my career was bumpy. I made the rookie mistake of working with the first publisher who would have me, a fringe publisher with no offices who wanted to publish my series of novels about serial killers who brutalize women for all the wrong reasons. And then my second publisher, while more reputable, had set it up so I lost money on every book I sold.

Then, in 2003, into my life came Tabitha Cartwright. Because of certain legal agreements, I can’t go into too many specifics about our relationship, but despite how things ended, it was certainly the most fruitful collaboration of career. She was, just to give an example, the first person who told me I shouldn’t endow all my female characters with DD breasts.

I finally was able to write a book that sold more than 1000 copies. And I grew immensely as a writer, with a much better understanding of narrative convention, how to market my books and myself, how to speak to publishers. Soon, I was churning out books like L. Ron Hubbard possessed by the spirit of Xenu himself. In the final year, 2008, I wrote 51. Here’s what I learned:

Lesson 1: It all starts with a strict routine

As a writer, it’s not enough to want it. You can say you’re determined all you want. The junkies at the support group I’ve joined under false pretenses to get ideas for my writing say it all the time before they inevitably relapse.

But having a strict routine enforces determination. You can see my video on my writing routine here. To paraphrase, you should design a routine that provides the following things: time to write, ways to make writing your happy place, time to edit and…

Lesson 2: Punishment for not following your routine

You can’t let life get in the way of a good idea. Think of what our world might be like if Einstein hadn’t been absolutely revolting to his wife so he could focus on his work.

But it’s not enough to miss recitals or funerals and stay home to write. You need a concrete method for making sure you meet your deadlines. Some people might hook up car batteries to their body and their alarm clock, but I’m not a science guy. As I told you in my writer’s block video, the most effective way to stick to a deadline is to hire ex-cons to inflict physical punishment for missing deadlines.

I got the idea from my loan shark and it worked wonders. Make sure you set clear rules and boundaries. Obviously, you don’t want your fingers broken or that would defeat the whole purpose. But if they rough your face just enough to avoid needing to see the doctor, you’ll find yourself motivated.

Lesson 3: Make sure your POV is consistent

Lots of writers worry about plot holes or creating snappy dialogue. But almost nobody realizes the importance of having a consistent POV that serves a specific function.

Maybe it was because I was writing 15,000 words every day and only getting up when I hallucinated that somebody was knocking on my door, but I would slide between third-person omniscient and third-person limited often.

Lesson 4: Big ideas are more important than details or spelling errors or turning in your final manuscript on the back of horse race pick slips

Whether you’re writing for thirty minutes a day after work or you’re writing all night just to avoid you sleep paralysis demon, keep in mind that publishers and consumers care about the big picture. A unique hook will draw more readers than a completely unfinished chapter will push them away. At least with the latter, you can disguise it as a metaphor.

Lesson 5: There are a lot of legal amphetamines

So after Book 30, even I was a little surprised by my own productivity. I mean, I knew story structure in and out and I also didn’t have to cook or clean or bathe myself because Tabitha had hired a maid to do all that for me.

I was always driven and never had the most normal sleep patterns, but it did seem strange to be awake for 72 straight hours and then crash for the following 16. And it turns out the aspirin the maid was giving me was actually an amphetamine responsible for my loss of sleep.

When I confronted Tabitha, she said it was legal, took me to the pharmacy where she bought it and said it was no different than putting her dog’s heart worm medication in his biscuits.

If I wasn’t so horribly addicted by that point, I probably would’ve gotten mad.

Lesson 6: Sleep Deprivation can lead to memory loss

Just like a porn star and calculus teacher, a writer needs to know their limits. Mine were thrust upon me. Books 32 to 47 are all lost to memory. The only evidence I have of those few months is the final product of 15 very poorly written novels and a very terrible Bernie Madoff Halloween costume.

I’m pretty sure I stopped taking the drug at some point during this period only due to the fact that I am not dead. To this day, I’m still not sure if was through sheer willpower or if Tabitha simply realized my books weren’t selling enough to pay for the pills, the maid and the baby I somehow put inside her.

Anyway, if you’re going to write 51 books this year, make sure to take care of your physical and mental well-being.

Don’t Die Sad and Alone… Relationship Advice for Writers

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We’re going to step away from the page today and explore this key question:

“Do writers deserve to be loved?”

Now you may be thinking, what an absurd question, John, of course I deserve love. In fact, the whole reason I’m writing is so that I can get strangers to love me and fill the void left by my abusive parents who bet away my college fund on a racehorse named “Always a Winner.”

But writers also know that when the writing is going good, nothing else matters. Aside from food, water and oxygen, writing fills every other need. I can’t tell how many loads I’ve spilled just from the satisfaction I got from creating a tragic backstory or thinking of a twist ending that would make M. Night Shaymalan’s head explode.

However, writers also know that the writing can’t always be this good. Writing can be as much of a cruel mistress as any $500 BDSM escort you can find on tryst.link.

So you might decide that a real human relationship is something you want in your life. Being a writer makes this very complicated, but not impossible. In today’s segment, I hope to help you navigate the potential problems you might encounter with flesh-and-blood humans. We’ll discuss the agony of compromise on this edition of Stories’ Matter.

Now, fans of the channel have probably pieced together that I’ve had a shaky relationship history. After all, I’ve been married and divorced three times, even if the first one doesn’t really count because that wife used a fake name and was already married to several other people. So just full disclosure, while I think I have some good advice to impart, keep in mind that I’m mostly a cautionary tale.

Also, my story might not be your story. Sex and romance is varied and complicated. So a little more about me: I’m the type of person who needs lots of love. As my therapist used to say, I’m the type of person who runs into relationships very quickly. The fact that my therapist became my third wife probably means she was right.

Anyway, to narrow the focus of this video, I will try to keep this advice specific to the ways writing can impact your relationship.

Tip 1 – Never Date Another Writer

This almost goes without saying. Obviously, it’s natural to be jealous when your wife gets a massage from her tennis instructor. But that’s nothing compared with the crippling jealousy of your partner getting her story published in the New Yorker. At least I can sometimes get erections thinking about my wife bouncing atop a 20-year-old with a flawless chest and rippled back.  I can safely say another writer inking a deal with Random House has never made me erect.

Plus, with both of you constantly shut away at your desks, nothing is ever getting done. Good luck keep the mold at bay and the power on. And God forbid, if you managed to produce a child, let’s just hope it isn’t fascinated by power outlets.

Tip 2 – Never Date Fans

To be honest, you really should just be with someone who doesn’t read. I’m not saying you should date someone’s who’s illiterate but I’m also not not saying it.

While not as bad as dating a writer, this one is easier to fall into. Because naturally you want your fans to love you. And when those fans happen to have perfect tits, you’ll probably think you hit the jackpot.

Wrong: you almost certainly won’t live up to their expectations. I’ve met a lot of writers and they are way less cool in real life. Margaret Atwood: wonderful writer, but she steals silverware from restaurants. Jennifer Egan: maybe our greatest living writer. But she constantly looks at your phone when you’re texting other people. And while Jonathan Franzen was a huge inspiration, he smells like onions, garlic and cigar smoke.

Tip 3  – Don’t ask for writing advice

As I said before, you should never ask people you know closely to be your beta readers. There are only two possible outcomes, both bad.

One, they will be give vague, dishonest support. Afraid to hurt your feelings, they will tell you you don’t to change a thing, which all writers know is never the case.

Two, they will be brutally honest. You’ll share your opinion. They’ll say why’d you ask for my opinion if you’re just going to yell at me. You’ll say you’re not yelling. They’ll then ask why you also criticized their weight. You’ll then say that you’re such a great writer, you could literally have sex with anyone so they should be grateful. They’ll spend the night at their mother’s house. You’ll go on a bender and have to spend any money you made that month from your writing on medication to treat your crabs.  Happens all the time.

Tip 4 – Be Honest. Unless you do something really unforgivable. In that case, take that to your grave.

This isn’t really related to writing. I’ve just always found that this is generally great advice.

Tip 5 – Partners aren’t your characters. You can’t make them do whatever you want.

It’s easy to fantasize about your characters. After all, you can make them do anything and they don’t need to consent to it. Having the power to kill the things I’ve created is probably the main reason I became a writer. But you have to get rid of that mindset and remember that real people are just very disappointing.

And I’m not just talking about crazy sex stuff. I mean, obviously it’s unlikely you meet someone willing to give you a Brazilian pile driver in real life. But you also can’t write your way out of bad situations. Fans of the channel know that my second wife is by far my favorite. If our love story was fiction, I’d find some way to make our characters realize we were meant for each other, perhaps by having our daughter trap us in a broken elevator until we made amends. But in real life, I’d be breaking several laws if I tried that.

As fans of the channel will also know, in real life, I had to settle for finding an escort and making her look, talk and act like. Which reminds me…

Please don’t forget to like and subscribe so I can keep paying this hooker to look like my second wife.

Six HACKS To Help You Write Faster

Daniel MadisonLeave a comment

Whether you’re a nonfiction essayist, a novelist who’s trying to finish a manuscript under a deadline, or just a YouTuber trying to write a script for a six-hour video explaining why all the female characters in a Star War or Marvel movie are too woke, everyone wants to write faster.

As someone who’s written over 429 novels, you might assume that writing speed was never a problem for me. But it wasn’t always this way. Back when I was a young man, living on the streets of Phoenix, worried I’d have to sell my body for food, all I had was a desire to get published (and a knowledge of which street corners had the most reliable action after midnight.) Anyway, my first book took me over two years to write, and it was barely over 90 pages.

There were many things that were holding me back, but one thing I want to make clear is that it wasn’t writer’s block. I wrote almost every day, squeezing in quick sessions between hawking fake jewelry outside gas stations. I’ll cover many other tips in the video, but the key problem I had was that I was a perfectionist. I was just certain that my story about a down-on-his-luck graduate student who has to choose between finishing his degree and hunting down the serial killer who murdered his sister was going to launch me to instant critical acclaim. But I soon found out that, in the publishing industry, quantity always trumps quality. We’ll write until our fingers bleed on this edition of Stories’ Matter.

Okay, now if you are worried about your writing speed, it may be helpful to start by analyzing why you write slowly in the first place. The following is a list of things that might be slowing down your writing speed:

  • Lack of an outline
  • Not setting a goal, aside from proving that dad doesn’t know what he’s talking about
  • Editing while you write
  • Eating while you write
  • Having a family
  • Edging while you write
  • A keyboard missing the letter “e”
  • Sending veiled threats to haters on social media
  • Using a computer that still runs on Windows XP
  • Ghosts in the hotel in which you’re writing asking you to kill your family
  • Wasting your time watching writing advice videos on YouTube
  • And constantly worrying you’re a piece of shit who will accomplish nothing

Now, what’s a good writing speed? This depends on several things: how old you are, how fat your fingers are, your brain pan, et cetera. But most writers try to get at least 1,000 words a day, which should be easily accomplished in two hours. At that pace, it will only take you 80 days to write an average-sized novel. To put it in perspective, that amount of time is the equivalent of bingeing both seasons Milf Manor three times. Not such a big time commitment when you think about it that way.

Now, let’s look at some ways we can easily get 1000 words in under two hours.

Tip 1 – Reward Yourself For Hitting Certain Word Counts

Humans are, evolutionarily-speaking, rather simple creatures. Like a chimp that agrees to administer a shock to their chimp family member in exchange for a banana, humans are driven by selfish impulses.

It doesn’t have to be a big reward. Maybe a nice cup of coffee, maybe a dessert, maybe a quick episode of Milf Manor. For myself, I set a weekly goal. If I hit 10000 words for the week, I reward myself with a nice relaxing drive past my second wife’s house when I know her new husband isn’t there.

Tip 2 – Set Punishments for Distractions

A writer needs to know what fascist and authoritarian governments have known for a long time: negative reinforcement works.

Be strict about distractions. Turn off your internet while you write. Keep all of your favorite guns out of your writing space. But you have to also set consequences for getting distracted. What I do is have my assistant monitor my computer remotely while I write. If she catches me watching porn, she uses a burner to call the police and say there’s a violent pedophile living at my home address. I find that my fear of incarceration or at least an uncomfortable discussion with the cops keeps me in line while I write.

Tip 3 – Beat Your Keyboard Into Submission

This is a tip which, like many life lessons, I learned from Finding Forrester. Your fingers should be an extension of the confidence you have in your writing. Much like saying your own name repeatedly while having sex with someone, your brain will subconsciously think you’re doing a good job and make you perform better. I go through at least two or three typewriters while writing each one of my books.

Tip 4 – Use Focus Apps

If you don’t want to go so far as risking your incarceration, there are apps which can help with distractions. My favorite is a Russian one called Freedom Blocker. It locks your computer to stop you from looking at news articles while also emitting a type of white noise that is supposed to suppress all thought outside of the task at hand. It’s been scientifically tested on labor camp detainees and you’ll really notice a difference.

Tip 5 – Set a Marathon Day (Or Marathon Fortnight)

Sometimes just having a routine isn’t enough. Sometimes you need to make a big push. You can get 10 or 20 thousand words down so long as you can convince your wives you have a devastating illness that your kids haven’t been vaccinated for yet, and if you haven’t used the “my grandpa died” excuse twice already with your boss.

Tip 6 – Get Healthy

Speaking of death and illnesses, lots of writers forget how important your bodily health is to your mind. I wasn’t like this as a young man, but now I find that jogging helps me sleep better, reduces my real illnesses so I don’t miss writing days and I’m much less distracted by all the horrible trauma my father and the whore who raised me inflicted upon me. And think about it. Is it a coincidence that George RR Martin hasn’t finished A Song of Fire and Ice and that he looks like this?

Why You Should Consider Becoming a Ghostwriter

Daniel Madison1 Comment

RL Stine

Franklin W. Dixon

James Patterson

Besides being people whom I’ve followed to their homes late at night for an unsolicited interview, these are authors well known for implementing ghostwriters. They, like many others, hire people to write for them and release their work without attribution. In fact, Franklin W. Dixon is a completely fabricated person entirely, which explains why the Franklin W. Dixon I followed shot at my car tires when I wouldn’t stop honking in his driveway. Ghost writing can be a great source of work for an aspiring author, and from singers who dropped out of middle school to businesses that, as a guiding principle, dehumanize all their employees, there’s a high demand for a competent ghost writer. We’ll look at the pros and cons of ghost writing on this edition of Stories’ Matter.

Before we get started, I should point out that if you are reading this article in the year 2027 or later, you can adjust your stillsuit that climate change has forced you to wear and move on to the next video, because it’s almost certain that AI has rendered all this information completely useless. This article is solely for those in the narrow window between 2024 and 2027, who still have some time to earn a little extra cash before the billionaire class unleashes their sentries to exterminate anyone making less than 50k a year.

All right, so this article will be broken into three parts: reasons to be a ghostwriter, career paths for a ghostwriter and some general advice in how to find work as a ghost writer.

Reasons to Be a Ghostwriter

The first thing you might be thinking is: John, I became a writer to become famous, so people would respect me, so everyone in high school would finally have to apologize for selling me a crushed-up bag of poison ivy and telling me it’s weed. Why the hell would I want to write a book without my name on it?

Well, for starters, fame can be a double-edged sword. For every kind, adoring fan, there will be another who pours maple syrup all over your windshield because you won’t grant him an interview for his book blog. Let’s look at some other reasons.

Reason 1: You’ll Probably Make More Than You Would On Your Own

If you’re watching this video, you’ve probably haven’t even made enough money writing this year to buy the rope to make the noose to hang yourself for your constant failure. Youth, inexperience, an overcrowded self-publishing market and ugliness are all big obstacles to overcome. But people will consume anything released by a celebrity. They’ll listen to any corporate speaker who they think will make them richer.

A successful ghost writer can easily earn 50K for a book-length project. I didn’t earn that much from my own books until two decades into my career, when I coincidentally came up with a book title identical to another popular work at the time.

Reason 2: You’ll Learn the Business

Most writers think that writing is done in alone, in a cozy bedroom, with a nice cup of tea or coffee on the desk, a loaded pistol at your side just in case. But the majority of a writer’s work is done in office buildings, it’s in done in conference rooms and it’s done with the piles of human excrement that are literary agents and publishers. As an unknown, these people wouldn’t even take the time to spit on you, but as a ghostwriter you can make connections and learn to manipulate them in the hopes that someday, you might publish something under your own name.

Reason 3: You Can Learn Other Voices Besides Your Own

This one’s tricky because to start as a ghost writer, you have to already be able to do this to some extent. Experience has taught me that, for example, corporate blogs about risk management in finance don’t like jokes about sucking dick for meth. (The Wolf of Wall Street lied to me). But, in any case, your skills as a writer will grow and develop as you’ll need to adopt a different voice for each client.

Career Paths for a Ghostwriter

When most people think of ghostwriters, they think of celebrity autobiographies. There’re a lot of reasons a celebrity or politician might use a ghostwriter: some are lazy, some are downright illiterate, some have busy schedules and can’t take time away from tweeting about how immigrants are poisoning our blood. Or they might just need someone who actually knows and can convincingly describe what consensual sex with a woman feels like.

You have other options, though.

For example, Alan Dean Foster got his start ghostwriting the novelization of Star Wars under George Lucas’s name, before piggbacking off this success and becoming the patron saint of 70s, 80s and 90s science fiction novelizations under his own name. I tried a similar thing recently, but it turned out Dune already was a book.

You can also write: blog posts for tech companies, speeches for firearms manufacturers after a mass shooting occurs, online course materials for educational institutions that want people to know not all slaveowners were bad and film scripts for North Korean cinema.

How to Succeed As A Ghostwriter

Step 1: Build your portfolio

While it’s not as much of a struggle as proving to a Big Six publisher that your book will sell, you still need to prove to the client that you can write. Starting a blog or website is a good start. It could be on any topic, really: gardening, investment strategies, a guide to age of consent laws around the world.

Guest blogging is the next step. You’ll need to build some ties in the community. Though I wasn’t a ghostwriter, I did a lot of guest blogging in the early days of blogs just to hone my skills and do a little self-promotion. I mainly wrote about how to have a successful marriage and I had a lot of fun doing it until I had to stop once my first wife went missing.

Step 2: Read all legal documents carefully

If you do land a client, it’s important to have your lawyer pore over all the contracts. Many celebrities and organizations will make you sign NDAs or follow specific guidelines in the project. Maybe, for example, you aren’t allowed to mention that Willem Dafoe is descended from swamp people.

Step 3: Publish long-form content

Finally, if you want to make the big bucks, you’ll need to ghostwrite a full-length book, but you’ll need to prove you can do that in the first place. Self-publishing a novel shows you have the focus and commitment to devote to a several-month project.

The aforementioned James Patterson hires ghostwriters to write full-length novels. In fact, because I had so much experience writing thrillers and crime fiction, I almost considered working for him. This was after my second divorce, when I needed some spare cash for booze money. But I chickened out at the last second because I was worried James would eventually find out I was the one who kept putting print-outs of his office floorplan in his mailbox.

Eight Writing Tips I Wish I Knew Years Ago (or even a few days ago, really)

Daniel MadisonLeave a comment

Without further or any ado, let’s get to the mailbag.

Ted B. from Burlington, Vermont writes:

John, I’m a young novelist and I’m currently in talks with a publisher about getting my first book released. But unfortunately, all the weeks I’ve spent writing my book, sitting in front of my computer, locked up in my home office, has led to a pretty bad porn addiction. How do you think I can get rid of that?

Great question, Ted. I’m of the opinion that anything can be addicting: alcohol, Chinese food, the terror you inspire in your employees who know you could fire them at any instant because you work in a state with “at-will” employment.  

Addiction really isn’t about the substance, but is rather indicative of deeper personal issues and traumas. Unfortunately, that stuff is difficult and expensive to deal with, so instead I suggest finding other, healthier things to think about when masturbating. Connect it to your writing. Masturbate every time you come up with a great plot twist. Masturbate for every sharp line of dialogue. Masturbate every time you think of a great word without having to use a thesaurus.

Aileen W. from Rochester, Michigan writes:

John, I’m a somewhat successful writer who has self-published a few novels and writes for different literary magazines. But I find that sitting all day writing has caused many painful cysts to develop on my thighs, buttocks and genitals. How do you deal with this problem?

Thanks for that question, Aileen. First of all, lubrication is essential. If I know I’m in for a writing session that’s going to last for more than two hours, I slather my nether regions in a silicone-based lube and then put on some loose fitting silk pajama shorts that allow my skin to breathe. A copious amount of snacking can lead your humors out of balance as well. An espresso followed by a shot of olive oil should suppress your appetite.

Ed G. from La Crosse, Wisconsin writes:

John, I recently wrote a story about a man who cheats on his wife because she got really fat. In the end of the story, he realizes his mistake and decides cheating on her was the wrong thing to do. Anyway, I showed my wife this story because I wanted her opinion, but she thought it was autobiographical just because I named the characters after myself and her. And now our relationship is falling apart. What should I do?

Wonderful question, Ed. It’s one of the unfortunate realities of being a writer that it will destroy four or five of your relationships, especially if your partner is heavily involved in the writing process. As I said in this video, if you really need a beta reader, I suggest contacting inmates at your local prison.

If you really want to save the relationship, lying is probably your best option. You could say it was actually written by a friend from work who wanted feedback from a female perspective. I assume you aren’t actually cheating, but if you are, make sure you lie about that as well. And make sure to make yourself feel like the victim.

Jeffrey D. from Milwaukee, Wisconsin writes:

John, I recently signed a deal with an indie publisher. I was understandably overjoyed at having my work published, but the company said they don’t want my portrait on the sleeves of any of my books. They said it was to save on printing costs, but they also stare at their feet every time they say that. Am I being paranoid? Or is something else going on here?

As a member of the good-looking person’s club, I can’t say I relate. But as a publisher who’s been on the other side of this situation, I will say it may not be because you’re “fuck ugly,” so to speak. We had one author at D&E Publishing who we wouldn’t put on our book sleeves because he had profane and possibly racist facial tattoos. And we had another writer named Shinichi Sayama who turned out to be a white lady and we didn’t want to disappoint readers expecting a Japanese person.  

Belle G. from La Porte, Indiana:

John, you’ve spoken a lot about the experience of being a young and hungry writer. I’m at the point in my career where it’s tough to make ends meet, even with a girlfriend who works full time and pays for all the rent, utilities and groceries. Anyway, I’m wondering, if I add a lot of product placement, will it earn me some extra cash? Should I set the story in a Subway?

Of course you should set your story in a Subway restaurant. Subway is a great location for generating conflict, just like it’s a great place to get a tasty, affordable sandwich meal, like the Sweet Onion Teriyaki Chicken combo for the low, low price of 6.99. With over 20,000 convenient locations in the United States, it’s the type of setting that would be believable and easy to relate to. With sandwich of the day deals Monday through Sunday, there’s never a dull moment at Subway. There’s a New Way to Subway.

Elizabeth B. from Hungary writes:

John, I’m a feminist writer who loves the way your absurdly misogynist fiction is such an obvious dismantling of the patriarchy. Recently, I met a guy who got me an interview with a top literary agency. Things seem to be going great, and I’ve had great feedback regarding my manuscripts. Very close to a final deal. But this guy’s been pretty tight-lipped about his connections in the publishing industry. And a few days ago he came to my front door with a blood-covered gun and told me to hide it for him. What do you think I should do?

Well, first of all, congratulations. There’s nothing more exciting than an up-and-coming author getting her first deal.

Secondly, there’s nothing to worry about. I’d just make sure you do the following things: first, check to see if there are any serial numbers on the gun. Make to file those right off. Keep it in the safest place you know. For me, that’s either my gun safe or the ankle holster I keep with me at all times. After any handling, always wipe clear the fingerprints. I hope that helps.

David B. from New York City writes:

John, I find that writing all day has made it hard for me to find the energy to provide sexual pleasure to my partner. We’ve tried to get her to achieve orgasm by just shouting dirty insults while I’m at my writing desk, but I find it distracts me from my edits anyway and it’s only really worked once or twice to get Shandra off. How do you manage to balance your writing workload with your literal loads?

Ah, yes the eternal struggle: John, how do I balance writing with my career? How do I balance writing with remembering my children’s names? How do I balance writing and my running this Fortune 500 company?

First off, your original solution shows that you and your partner care for each other. I love that you’re both willing to experiment. But don’t forget that writing can be an inherently sexual experience. See if your love making can find its way into the writing process. For example, write an erotic scene based off your relationship that your partner can get off to. If you’re more scientifically-inclined, maybe you can link up the rhythms of your typing with some sort of vibration device. Be creative. The literary world is your slut shed.

Peter S. from Yorkshire, England writes:

John, I’m a professional writer in a small town who decided to earn some extra cash by teaching creative writing classes for adults at the learning annex. You talk about your teaching experience a lot on the channel. One of my biggest problems is that, after a recent lesson where we did a critique of a student’s war memoir, that student got upset. In the two weeks since, I’ve had several dead animals shoved into my mailbox and generally have the feeling that I’m being followed. How would you handle this situation?

Well, whatever you do, don’t send a bunch of state troopers on a hunt for him through a Pacific Northwest forest.

In all seriousness, I find in these cases the best course of action is to stalk them back. Now this person will probably be proficient with arms, so your only hope is to bring enough firepower to overcome your skill deficit. If you’re stealthy enough, though, it won’t come to that. Consider using decoys if it’s in your budget. They can stay at home pretending to be you while you stalk the stalker who’s stalking the fake you. I hope that helps.

Writing Advice From Some of Your Favorite Authors

Daniel MadisonLeave a comment

My past few articles focused mainly on personal grudges and vendettas, so I’ve decided to put the focus back on you, the readers, by answering some of your questions. In today’s mailbag installment, I’ll field questions from readers who paid the three-dollar enrollment fee on my website to get a chance to send me a message. We’ll make resolutions for personal improvement, or failing that, promises to bring our enemies down to our level, on this edition of Stories’ Matter.

Let’s take a look at our first question.

Asa A. writes:

John, My son is an aspiring writer. But whenever I try to tell him I wish he’d branch out from writing stories about small animals being tortured, he gets very upset. As a writer, what kind of feedback do you value most from readers?

Feedback can be a tough thing. I became a writer for a few reasons, but mostly so others would like me and pay attention to me and constantly tell me how awesome I am. But of course, you can’t expect all people to respond to your work that way. Some people are just idiots who don’t understand good writing, and some are people who do understand good writing, but just want to insult you because they think it’s funny or they want to put you in a negative light to promote their own writing.

In any case, the feedback I like is when people tell me my work turned their life around. As a good friend once told me, saving a life is as exhilarating as taking it away.

James D. writes:

John, my marriage is falling apart and it’s largely your fault. My wife inexplicably loves your books but I don’t see the appeal. I feel like I couldn’t really love someone who likes what you do. So my question is, What’s your favorite book you’ve written? If I read that and liked it, it might just save this marriage.

That’s a tough choice. While Spilled Milk was the first book I published on an actual label, and Twilight was, for some reason, my financial breakthrough, I’d have to say Zodiac was the book I was most proud of. For those who haven’t read it, the novel is about the Zodiac killer, a fictional serial killer who plans to kill twelve different people over a twelve-year period, using each animal of the zodiac. I thought it was a clever concept and I really had to get creative and push myself as a writer to think of ways a rat, a rabbit and a rooster could be used to kill someone.

Emily W. writes:

John, my coworkers were upset that I wrote a fictional short story for an online magazine that used their real names and addresses. Should I not have done this? Do you base your characters on real people?

Oh, all the time. Pretty much any villain I write is at least somewhat loosely based on my father or the prostitute who helped raise me. If there are women in my life who, you know, I’d like to have sex with but can’t because they’re married or lesbians or certain laws prohibit me from doing so, I find it helps to live out that fantasy in my writing.

Eva E. writes:

John, writing for me is just a hobby at the moment. I have a great job designing algorithms for healthcare companies that decide which patients should live and which should die. But part of me wants to make writing a full-time job. I worry about deadlines, though. How do you deal with the pressure of meeting deadlines?

This really was never an issue when I was a young writer. I was so motivated and on so many productivity-enhancing amphetamines that I wrote faster than my editors could keep up. But in my middle age, I have slowed down a bit.

There are some small hacks you can use. You can tell your publisher you misread the date, you can tell them your kid got sick, or you can puff out the middle section by copying and pasting excerpts from the Canterbury Tales. Editors usually only read the first and last pages of a manuscript, anyway.

Johnny S. writes:

John, do you ever consider the reader’s perspective when writing?

No.

Anri. O writes:

John, I’m a self-published author with a few books out and mostly good reviews. But one person keeps giving me the harshest reviews on social media. It’s either my step-dad, mad that I refused his sexual advances, or my boss, mad that I keep advancing on him sexually. Anyway, how do you deal with bad reviews?

An author can’t let bad reviews get to them. Unless you know the reviewer personally, then you absolutely can. My lawyer says I shouldn’t give you any advice about your specific situation, but I will share something that worked for me once.

I had this one reviewer who constantly review bombed all my books on all the online bookstores. But their big mistake was using the same username on all these platforms. After a little social engineering, I learned it was actually a person from my own publishing company upset that, because of a clerical error, they hadn’t been paid in five months. Talk about a “the call is coming from inside the house” moment. Now, I don’t care what you say about me personally or about my ability to lead people as a boss and make sure they receive at least minimum wage. But leave my works of art out of it, you know. We eventually agreed to have that worker be compensated for time unpaid plus an extra month’s salary if they promised to take their reviews down. So it all worked out in the end.

Angela W. writes:

John, I can’t stand the sound of your voice and I hate your videos, but I did end up reading your most recent book, Glossolalia and Other Stories, and I was surprised to find it witty, insightful, poetic and exactly the opposite of how you come off here. Anyway, what authors did you dislike at first but grew into?

Well, scifi writer John Scalzi was somebody I didn’t really like. Not because of his books, but because he threw me out of one of his book signings for trying to secretly endorse several books on the D&E label. But then years later, we were actually on the same panel at a book conference and we hit it off. Ended up going to a strip club later. Lovely guy.

Finally, we have Scarlit S. who writes:

John, I want to start writing, but my boyfriend says I’m too racist to be a writer. So my question is, what’s one thing you’d give up to become a better writer?

Well, first of all, lots of great writers are racist: Ayn Rand, Margaret Mitchell, HP Lovecraft. So even though I don’t agree with your views, don’t let that stop you.

But for me, this is an easy decision. I’d give up one of the children my first wife claims we had together before she ran off.

What “Show, Don’t Tell” Really Means for Writers

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Let me read you an excerpt of a manuscript I was sent recently:

“Jonathan was frightened of women. His heart pounded at the terrifying sight of her naked breasts. But suddenly, his fear disappeared. He touched the breasts and was glad he’d found a woman that reminded him so much of his mother.”

The first thing that stands out to me is that this piece doesn’t really paint a very vivid picture. Unlike most writing about breasts, it doesn’t really make me feel anything. I’m told the man is frightened, that the breasts are terrifying, but there isn’t much evidence to back up these claims.

Show don’t tell is one of the golden rules of writing. It’s usually the first lesson of any writing seminar, though in my seminars, I always spend the first lesson asking the class to write down their greatest fears and directions to their home address. In any case, it’s something new writers like the author of the above passage, Dan Schultz of Tempe, Arizona who asked to remain anonymous, struggle with. We’ll break down what “show don’t tell” actually means and how to best use this advice in our writing on this edition of Stories’ Matter.

In the spirit of this article, instead of telling you how to write, I will show you examples from students of mine that illustrate new writers’ struggles. I’ve also provided their emails in the video in case you’d like to send them words of advice and encouragement.

Our first excerpt is from Doug Martzel of Nome, Alaska, who was writing about his dead wife, a topic he incidentally kept coming back to. He writes:

“She was a meticulous woman and could get overbearing at times, with ginger hair and pallid skin.”

Mistake 1: Using adjectives, instead of action and details

So a big mistake Doug mistakes, besides failing to get over it and write about a more interesting topic, is that there’s nothing to grab onto. I mean, if he’s really hoping to bring his wife back to life in his writing, it would be more memorable to show her being meticulous or provide a detail about her gingerness that’s important to her character.

After a lot of coaching and back and forths, I got Doug to brainstorm specific ways his wife was meticulous. Eventually, he came up with this:

“Every Friday night after work, I’d come home to find her waiting in the bathroom with a bottle of Barbasol, a straight razor and some antiseptic. I’d then strip nude and sit in this seatless chair with special leg restraints. For the next forty minutes, I read the newspaper while she shaved every part of my body below the nose: beard, neck, chest, arms, legs, testicles, anus.”

Doug and the rest of the class were a little uncomfortable with this passage—in fact, if I remember correctly, I had to read it aloud after Doug refused–but I told them that a great writer knows the power of specificity.

Janet Kowalski from Davenport, Iowa was a big fan of erotic fantasy thrillers. This excerpt comes from an exercise where I asked the class to write an allegory for the immigration crisis:

“Diane saw the potion on the table, drank it and one second later she fell to the floor.”  

Mistake 2: Using weak verbs

I don’t want to pick on Janet too much here because her story captured the crisis, convincingly describing what happens when you just let anybody in your country. But the above sentence just doesn’t evoke any feelings.

With some simple substitutions it’s much more effective:

“Diane gazed into the bubbling potion, guzzled it and instantly crashed to the floor.”

Just by changing the verbs we understand that Diane is mesmerized by the drink, that she craves it and that it inflicts violence on her. Now this might seem strange, but in her story, a cartel of demons has flooded the potion market with a superstrong mind-control drug that has contaminated all the other party potions and it’s all Joe Biden’s fault.

The next excerpt comes from Jamil Baqri, a young writer from Denver, Colorado who showed a ton of promise, but unfortunately didn’t have enough money to pay for more than six weeks of classes. He writes:

“Jennifer took the charge of the meeting. She wasn’t going to let anyone get in her way. The deal had to go through.”

Mistake 3: Not using dialogue

Now, Jamil’s mistake is understandable. After all, he’s been deaf since birth and has never actually had a verbal conversation with anyone. But he knew sign language and I assume the principle is still basically the same. Plus, when I asked if he’d ever seen movies, he said yes.

Now, after Jamil’s check bounced and the people at the learning annex told me his disability insurance couldn’t cover my class fees, I instead got the rest of the class to rework Jamil’s piece. My favorite rewrite was this one:

“This is how it’s gonna go, fuckheads” Jennifer shouted as she entered the conference room. “Asking price is twenty-five million. They try to lowball you, boys, just tuck em up inside yourself.”

To me, that’s how business people sound. I can vividly picture the kind of woman Jennifer is: tight black office girl skirt, full pouty lips, tits like a pair of surface to air missiles.

Our final passage comes from Jacqueline Carlyle from Nashville, Tennessee, who was writing a short story about a woman whose husband goes off to fight in a war:

“Her wet lips parted and her tongue began to rapidly adjust its position. Swells of hot air rose up through her throat, and as she siphoned it through her larynx and set it careening around her uvula, it met her pallid teeth and crimson lips, creating odd vibrations that rose and fell in pitch. A great symphony had commenced.”

Mistake 4: Showing Too Much

Many authors like Jacqueline hear “show don’t tell” and think they can’t ever tell anything. But a story would go on forever if you only showed. As a writer, you have to decide what’s worth glossing over. For example, when I write most of my stories, I come to realize it’s not really important what the minor female characters do or say or want or feel.

After a bit of convincing, I got Jacqueline to simplify her passage to this:

“She ordered two cheese pizzas and a large onion rings.”

The Writing Routine Every Author Needs

Daniel Madison2 Comments

A writing routine is a lot like a liver: You might not think you need one, but when you try getting by without it, things don’t go well.

In this article, I’ll share my writing routine with you. It’s one I’ve amalgamated and synthesized over the years from a number of great writers, from Ernest Hemmingway to John Updike to Toni Morrison to Muammar Gadaffi.

But consider this my forewarning: This writing routine is not for the faint of heart. Like any good writing routine, it requires focus, determination, some light exercise and a place to live. I know that’s not something everybody watching this video has. Now, without further ado, let’s roll up our sleeves, put on our thinking caps and close all our porn tabs to explore writing routines on this edition of Stories’ Matter.

Step 1 – Wake up early and get hydrated

Hydration could be a lot of things. In my early years, a fifth of Jack or a nice Irish car bomb was the pick me up I needed in the early morning to get my day going. For some of you, you might need something lighter, like a Bud Light or a Zima. I’ve slowed down in my old age, so I find that all I need is a nice large, cool glass of water with a microdose of LSD.

Early is also a subjective term, but I’ll share this wisdom that my former mentor and the owner to the rights of my first 120 books Tabitha Cartwright told me: “A good writer rises at dawn. A great writer gets their shit together before dawn so they can…

Step 2 – Start writing at first light

Now if you live beyond or near the Arctic circle this advice might not apply to you. But for most of you, I would highly recommend getting words down immediately at sunrise. I find it’s a time of day when I’m most at peace, mentally, perhaps because, statistically speaking, that’s the least likely time to be murdered.

Step 3 – Don’t be nervous

Despite the fact that I made a whole video about it, I don’t believe in writer’s block. As long as you relax and give yourself enough time to work, the words will come. A writer’s job is never to reach perfection. To calm yourself, there are many things you can do. Put on some relaxing music or the sounds of the desert. Write in a massage chair. Put another microdose of LSD into your water. Crush up some pills and snort those. Make writing your happy place.

Step 4 – Take a break. Read something besides your own writing

After a solid five hours of writing, you’ll need a nice break. The coffee or the pills will have worn off and you’ll start second guessing your instincts. Rest those eyes by reading something else. If doesn’t have to be literary. Read the news. Read a friend’s blog. Read that book about how to count cards that you’ve been putting off.

Step 5 – Go on a walk for inspiration

As I said, you’ll need to have some mobility for this routine. People with crutches and wheelchairs should manage fine, so long as you still can move your upper body.

Anyway, a nice half hour outside is a great way to clear your head and find inspiration for your writing. I usually only have to go a few paces out of my apartment before I see a knife fight or a homeless person succumbing to a drug overdose.

Step 6 – Jack off, take a midday nap, and then jack off again

A writer needs to be focused, honest and committed to the story. Post-nut clarity is a great way to ensure this, and it’s not limited to male writers. Whenever I meet young female fans who want to be writers, I encourage them to jack themselves off as much as possible.

Step 7 – Edit what you wrote in the morning. Delete it all if you have to

Now that you’ve gotten some exercise, some sleep and shed your psyche of all impure urges and weird thoughts about that coworker who isn’t really that hot but you can’t stop thinking about her for some reason, I don’t know, maybe it’s her weird fixation with hunting knives… now you can reassess this morning’s work.

More often than not, you’ll find that none of it is usable. It will be clunky and meandering and overwritten. After all, you started writing at dawn and probably were severely sleep-deprived. But your job is to pull the gems out of the ore, as it were. Hey, if the police can use sleep deprivation to get false confessions, maybe you can use it to get some excellent prose.

Step 8 – Do your other job you need to do in order to live

After editing for about two hours, it will be time to go to your other job that actually puts food on the table. Nursing, teaching, and any other job you don’t really have to pay attention at will be best as you’ll need to conserve your mental energy.

Step 9 – Don’t forget to take care of your kids, maintain many good friendships, be involved in lots of important causes, email your Congressperson, have lots of sex (and, if possible, do it with multiple partners as this will make your writing more interesting), eat, pay attention to your local sports teams, keep up with all the hit movies and TV shows, and invest your money wisely.