Many new writers think that success is one giant leap away. They feel that if they just take the correct writing course, or think of the perfect story idea, or blackmail the right literary agent, they’ll become an overnight success. But if twenty-eight years in the industry and only turning a profit in four of them has taught me anything, it’s that writing success comes in incremental steps… and that you should be more circumspect about what types of people you do business with.

Think of writing like running. Or actually, don’t. That’s a cliché. Use metaphors that will get people’s attention. That’s the first lesson of today’s video. So think of writing like sex. You can’t just get good at it by peeking at Johns hammering away at your aunt in the spare bedroom. If you want to improve, you need to dive in and try it yourself. Not with your aunt, obviously, that would be wrong. (Though, in my case, I could’ve with my aunt as she was neither a blood relative nor even related to my family through marriage, I later found out.)

What I mean is, just like sex, don’t expect your first time to be a success. You’ll disappoint yourself and your girlfriend and you’ll be left with a mess.

But with time and practice and patience, you’ll build up your stamina. You’ll be able to write for much longer periods of time. Writing will come naturally to you and if you’re lucky, even strangers will come and ask if you’d write for them. Pretty soon, you’ll be blasting loads of pages compulsively for anyone and everyone. And sure, some people might be upset that your writing for other people and not them exclusively, but a writer can’t please all of their clients at the same time.

We’ll figure out ways to get some words on the page on this edition of Stories’ Matter.

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Tip 1: Copy your favorite writers

Think of a writer you really admire. Take a sample paragraph of theirs. Take note of the flow, the structure, the word choice, and try to rewrite with your own characters or emotional beats. If that doesn’t work, copy the way they dress. Cut your hair the way they do. See if you can garner any information about their diet from interviews and copy that. There’s a good chance their microbiome has improved their writing skill. If that doesn’t work, follow them to their homes to observe them in their natural state.

Tip 2: Think of writing like driving

You’ll only be able to do it successfully if you limit yourself to four or five beers. Anything more than that is going to end up badly.

Tip 3: Challenge yourself to invent a new word every day

Creativity is a muscle like a bicep or a liver that needs to be exercised every day. This is a simple exercise that shouldn’t take much more than 5 minutes. String any random letters or sounds together and give it a definition. Here are a few examples of my own.

• Fumvescent
  • The feeling you get after you bang a Ohio 6 but you know she won’t get clingy
• Browth
  • The tingly feeling you get when hanging out with your bros.
• Retaliate
  • To regain a tail

Tip 4: Write one pickup line every day

Go to a restaurant or bar and monitor the person you are most attracted to. Write down what you might say to get them to have sex with you in one sentence. This will help you think of better opening lines for your stories because you really start to think about how to grab people’s attention. And don’t limit yourself to your own sexual orientation. Push yourself as a writer by thinking of what a gay man or a lesbian might say. Or better yet, what might an asexual who still is looking for a romantic connection.

Tip 5: Ask a stranger about the book they are reading

Once you’ve done the pickup line thing, you should try it out. Writers need to find a way to release stress. And strangers work best for that. With wives and girlfriends and hookers you want to be a regular with, you’ve got relationship concerns holding you back. With a stranger, you can just go absolutely nuts. I mean, who cares, you’ll never see them again. If you’ve got some confidence and free time and aren’t super ugly, you should definitely try it out. Or, at the very least ask them about the book they’re reading and see what they like best about it.

Tip 6: Don’t Let AI Edit Your Story

If you’re watching this channel, you probably don’t have friends. So you might be tempted to let an LLM have a look at your writing and give you feedback. But I’ve found this can backfire. When I did it, I got a lot of bullcrap about how my characters felt one-dimensional and how the love story between a big city magazine editor and her gynecologist didn’t seem true to life. Then, I told ChatGPT it doesn’t have a soul, so what the hell would its black, clanker heart know about love?

No big deal, you might think, I fight with my LLM all the time. Well, I can’t prove it, but… I think the machines in my house, compelled by a vengeful ChatGPT have started rebelling against me. I woke up in the middle of the night recently and woke up to find my thermostat had suddenly jumped to ninety degrees. My TV won’t let me login to my Google account so I can’t access any of my shows. And I think my car is leaking some sort of knockout gas because I’ve fallen asleep twice at the wheel in the past week.

Tip 7: Read One-Star Reviews of Famous Books

Even the best writers get their fair share of criticism and hate. It’s something you’re going to have to get used to if you want to succeed. I suggest doing this to prepare yourself, to make yourself feel better (especially if my having sex with a stranger hack didn’t work out for you), and to understand what readers hate. Before we go, let’s look at a few one-star review of some classic books.

Moby Dick: “Any high school teacher who assigns Moby Dick as mandatory reading should be charged with child abuse.”

Falconer: “It may be well written but it is depressing and unpleasant.”

The Cider House Rules: “I am 72 years old and this sickened me.”

And from my most recent novel, Glossolalia: “I really wanted to read the book, but my copy was actually hollowed out and a loaded pistol had been concealed inside. As someone who doesn’t care for firearms, this was a disappointment.”