
Photo by Donald Tong: https://www.pexels.com/photo/rear-view-of-a-silhouette-man-in-window-143580/
“I didn’t mean for it to end like this. I realize that now as I stand before you, humbled, manacled, stripped of my dignity, deprived of my freedom. No, your Honor, despite what you and others may think, if I could turn back time I would absolutely keep committing crimes for decades while living a life of comparative comfort and luxury.”
“I’ll admit I made mistakes. Looking back, I’d say the most obvious one was getting caught. I shouldn’t have answered that door when the police arrived with their search warrant. And I shouldn’t have used my real identity to register those P.O. boxes. And I most certainly shouldn’t have used my work computer to login as the admin for the websites connected to my Iraqi dinar mail fraud scheme. It shames me to think I didn’t hide my tracks better.”
“However, your Honor, I hope the court understands I took no pleasure in getting caught. Being handcuffed and imprisoned gave me no joy. I was intransigent during all my interrogations, disrespectful throughout these proceedings, and I soiled myself behind closed doors when my court-appointed attorney insisted I take a plea deal, first out of fear and later just to spite him.”
“Speaking of my attorney, he has appealed for leniency under false pretenses. He says because I am a first-time offender, my sentence should be reduced. On the contrary, my present incarceration is the only thing keeping me from committing more crimes. I enjoy crimes and have enjoyed them for a long time. I enjoyed them up until the police officer punched me in the face for spitting all over the windows of his squad car.”
“However, your Honor, while I knew there might be consequences for my actions, I really, really hoped there wouldn’t be. If you knew what my childhood was like, you’d understand. Framing my best friend for a hit-and-run, stealing my mother’s money and blaming it on my Portuguese au pair, having my father’s interns falsify my grades when applying to Duke: these experiences, while they don’t excuse my behavior, will hopefully explain why I thought I could get away with it.”
“As for the families I’ve affected, I can’t help but not think about them. After all, they didn’t get caught. They didn’t get their freedom taken away, didn’t bruise their spine trying to jump over the bailiff and escape the court house, and they didn’t lose their houses. Well, except for the ones who went all in and converted their life savings into a worthless currency.”
“The past is the past, though, and I only have the power to change my future. I promise to strive for personal reform. I hope prison gives me the opportunity to make connections and learn about other, more lucrative criminal schemes. I hope to eventually assume a position of leadership so I can counsel others like myself, those who want nothing more than to not get caught a second time.”
“Thank you, your Honor, for your time and patience. I hope you understand that when I said I’d break into your house and rob you blind the moment I got out of prison, I was only speaking figuratively. As for my racially-insensitive outbursts, I think we can chalk that up to my ignorance of proper legal procedure.”
“The only other thing I ask for is your forgiveness. And maybe letting it slide this time.”




by Lucy Li