We’ve all made purchases we’ve regretted. From houses with shaky foundations to satellite radio subscriptions to houses without any foundation, consumer regret is a common phenomenon. If you’re an aspiring writer, you’ve probably come across ads for Masterclasses or other writing courses and gotten tempted to shell out a few hundred bucks to fill the void in your life that work and family couldn’t fill.

But you’re probably also wondering: are these courses a scam? Well, that’s what we’ll explore in this article.

Your first thought, however, might be, John, isn’t that what this channel is? Aren’t these articles essentially free versions of the writer workshops you used to do at the learning annex but aren’t allowed to anymore because you keyed the cars of students who submitted late work to teach them how important it is to meet deadlines? (Of course, not all of you are asking that. I realize that a good portion of the viewership mostly reads to learn about the drama of my personal life. And I also realize there’s a subcategory within that group that’s just waiting for me to finally post nude photos of my second wife, Cindy.)

These articles absolutely have educational value, and you should always be taking notes while reading, even the stuff about how the man in my father’s coffin might be an imposter. I realize I’ve never explicitly said that before so if you don’t have a pen and paper, go get one right now.

As I was saying, these articles are for passive reading. I’m not asking you to submit work nor am I providing you with any feedback. In fact, on several occasions I have taken the work of  those who left excerpts of their writing in the comments and sent it to the FBI.

So this series, and any other series on YouTube that I occasionally borrow ideas from, aren’t really the same as a proper writing course. We’ll look at the benefits and drawbacks of creative writing courses so you can decide if it’s really worth dumpster diving and stealing food from the break room fridge for a few months on this edition of Stories’ Matter.

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There are five questions you need to ask yourself before you register for a writing course:

Question 1 – Am I just doing this to get laid?

Now I realize that from an evolutionary standpoint, we have to answer yes to this question no matter what we’re doing. So I’ll be more specific and say that you should avoid writing workshops if you just want to hookup with other writers, even if it’s an online course. As I explained in this video, writers aren’t compatible with other writers. We’re naturally the most self-absorbed creatures on the planet and when we get into the orbit of each other, it’s basically like two black holes colliding.

I will admit that I’m being a little hypocritical here. When I was doing writer workshops at the learning annex, I encouraged hookups. I thought it would make for good drama that my students could later put into their writing. To accomplish this, I’d often have students do breathing exercises where they put their hands on each other’s diaphragms and synchronize their breathing, even though I don’t see how that could possibly help make anyone a better writer. I also had an open bottle policy in the classroom and would play sultry RnB during quiet writing time.

For a period of time, this worked very well, but soon my classes gained a reputation and became the most popular in the entire learning annex. After a few semesters, they became mostly a sausage fest populated by paunchy, desperate middle-aged men and women who were… mostly just tired, I guess.

Question 2 – Am I open to criticism?

It’s hard to be criticized. It’s like being told you’re ugly. Actually, it’s worse than that because while most of us have accepted that that hair isn’t coming back and those tits aren’t going to work their way back towards the clouds, we’re taking this course on the slim hope we actually possess some talent.

And being criticized by a professor is one thing. This person presumably has had publishing experience and knows what they’re talking about and doesn’t have too many DUIs. But what about other students? Are you comfortable with a 19-year-old telling you your story doesn’t seem true to life? Or someone of the opposite sex telling you it’s not likely this story will win you your partner back?

Question 3- Can you provide other students with constructive criticism?

It goes the other way, too. What will you do if you read a story that totally fucking sucks?

On the one hand, it can be a big confidence boost. The only other way to feel that good about yourself is to go jogging or do some pushups and that also totally fucking sucks.

My advice is to be brutally honest with your classmates. And also use a fake name. You can click this link to find ways to shake a tail if your class is in person, and if you’re doing it online, mask your IP address and don’t include any information on your webcam that might indicate your physical location, then you should be safe from the most types of violent reprisals. If this seems like a hassle, maybe writing courses aren’t for you.

Question 4 – Will this information be relevant to me?

I mean, you can probably figure this one out on your own.

Question 5 – Can I network and get feedback in other ways?

There are many ways to get the things a writing course provides without paying those hefty fees.  Libraries are a great source of unemployed people who will read your work and give you feedback for a couple of bucks. And you can network for free on all types of social media sites so long as social media access doesn’t violate the terms of your parole.

So overall, I’d say for the vast majority of you, a writing course just isn’t worth it.

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